Author: Elizabeth Wilde
Title: Longing (1/1)
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men or the song "UR,"
which is by Alanis Morissette. Just borrowing them.
Don't sue; I'm broke.
Feedback: Gods, yes! firstname.lastname@example.org
Notes: Sequel to "Crush," since everybody was so sweet
about feedback :) If you want to see the pretty pic
of Anna Paquin I used with it, check out
Precocious you are,
Headstrong you are,
Terrified you are,
Ahead of your time you are.
Nobody quite knows how to handle me anymore, which is
as painful as it is funny at times. It's painful
having everyone look at you like they think you're
going to take off their heads if they look at you
wrong, but the looks of horror can be amusing when
there's nothing else to laugh about.
Ever since I got my strength and started flying, it's
like I'm caught somewhere between goddess and leper.
It's not so much like that with the X-Men. I'm sure
I'll be officially on the team soon. Scott likes me
well enough, and he knows I'll be good in a fight.
Jean's probably nicer to me than anyone, and thanks to
that little piece of Logan in me, I've never been able
to be anything but sweet to her. Storm's a good
friend too, in her way. She's quiet, reserved, but
whenever I need her, she's there. The Professor
always seems untouchable to me, no matter how open he
is. I can't help but look up to him. He projects so
much calm and confidence it floors me.
The other students, though, the people my age, the
ones who haven't left for a regular university because
they're not safe outside these walls, they act
skittish around me, like birds that see a snake curled
up around their nest. Even Bobby is that way now when
he comes to visit. It's my fault, I know. He was
teasing me and I went to hit him on the arm really
lightly, forgot I had enough strength to punch a hole
through a brick wall, and ended up dislocating his
shoulder. Even Jean was a little mad at me, said I
should've been more careful.
Always have to be careful. Don't wanna touch anyone
or joke around with anyone or do anything where I
might let my guard down enough to do some damage.
Don't mind our staring but
We're surprised you're not in a far-gone asylum
We're surprised you didn't crack up
Lord knows that we would've
We would've liked to have been there
But you keep pushing us away.
I can live with all of it. I have this long. I can
live without touch, without passion, without knowing
what love is like. I can live without Logan if that's
the way he wants it. But I don't want to. I'm tired
of living without. More tired than any of them guess.
They wonder why I'm not insane already, and I frankly
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I sliced off
all my skin and just let it scar over. Could I touch
people then, or would it just make me as ugly outside
as I sometimes feel inside?
I suppose the only reason I stay sane is for everyone
around me. I'm dangerous enough when I'm in control
of myself. If I let myself lose it, I could kill the
people I love, the people who have stood by me like my
family couldn't. So I hold onto myself no matter how
much I want to let go. Maybe Logan can run away from
me, but I can't.
Resilient you are,
Big time you are,
Ruthless you are,
Precious you are
The only person I really want to be close to in all of
this is Logan, and he keeps pulling back. I know it's
because I keep pushing, but I can't stop. Something
inside me feels like if I stop trying to make him come
around, he'll leave altogether. I don't want him to
go again. I don't think I could handle that at all.
I'd miss him too much. More than I should.
I know he thinks I'm a kid. He sure says it enough.
Sometimes it makes me so mad I'm surprised you can't
see steam risin' up off of my head. And the thought
of being in a room alone with me is enough to make him
run screaming just about. I know why that is. I'm
not as innocent as a lot of people think I am. But
I'd be perfectly happy if we could at least be like we
were before. I know I let my hormones take over
sometimes when I get around him, and I know it just
makes things that much worse, but when I get around
Logan, my body takes over my brain, and I just can't
help but flirt.
I wish that that was okay. I wish I could throw him
down on one of those nice antique couches that are all
over the place and rip off his clothes. Bet that'd
scare the hell out of him. But I can't. I can't do
that to anyone. Ever. And I guess Logan pulling away
has something to do with that. I can see it in his
eyes sometimes. I know he wants something more, and
we both know we can't have it. Even thinking about
anything more isn't fair to him. Not fair to me
either. Damn, I wish I could just be a woman for one
day instead of being Rogue.